I’ve long suspected that I was placed on this planet to serve a higher purpose and it’s looking like I was right. I have superpowers and I can’t control them.
If I were to construct a list of the top 5 powers I’d like to have, it would probably look something like this:
- Invisibility
- The strength to flip over cars
- Extreme sexual prowess
- Communicating with animals and persuading them to do my bidding
- Being able to speak with the gravitas of Patrick Stewart
Of course, the power I appear to have been given is not on the above list. Oh no. My new found power appears to be the ability to shoot static electricity from my fingers. But only when I touch metallic surfaces. In Edmonton. You really have no idea how disappointing that is. It’s like finding out you’re Batman but the only gadget you have is a hand buzzer. (Tangent – anyone attempting to claim that due to his lack of super powers, Batman is a mere crime-fighting vigilante will be forcibly removed from the building).
As was pointed out to me yesterday, at least I don’t have the ability to accidentally kill everyone I love through radiation poisoning. But let me tell you this: shooting static from your fingers really hurts 
Hey Graham, should we read into the fact that you went for “Extreme sexual prowess” and then immediately after thought of “Communicating with animals and persuading them to do my bidding”…I’m shocked Graham. Canada has changed you! But not much.
I never said they were in order of preference
Save the cheerleader, save the world! Surely you can put it to some use? Minor-Electric-Shock-Through-Fingers-Man sounds a bit shit. How about Electro-Nipple-Massage-Man?
[...] knees when we had these demonstrated on the backs of our necks. I spent some time pondering if my new-found superpowers would enhance the experience for any ladies I used the gloves on. Then I decided that any ladies [...]