The longest post I’ve written so far and it’s about South Park

There are lots of things that I don’t really “get”. Why people can’t just get along, for example. Or why publicans think that not allowing trainers on a Friday or Saturday night somehow makes their establishment classier. Like a neddy bastard couldn’t steal a pair of shoes.

I’ve had a similar moment of non-comprehension recently when I discovered that a friend of mine (who I will refer to as “Miguel” for the remainder of this post to protect his/her anonymity) doesn’t like South Park. That’s the same South Park that’s probably the single smartest program on TV, with its witty script and biting political satire. Okay okay, it’s crude humour mixed in with borderline offensive situations, but I still think that it’s very good at getting its point across. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m aware that there’s a fairly large number of people who are misguided enough to not like South Park. What confuses me about Miguel is that they “get” other cartoons of a similar vain, such as Family Guy and American Dad. Much like the Chewbacca Defence, this makes no sense to me whatsoever.

So Miguel, for your benefit I’ve compiled a list of a few of my favourite South Park episodes for you to watch and learn from. I’ve had to narrow it down considerably or I’d be here for the next week or so writing this post. If anyone has alternative favourites feel free to let me know. It’s been a while since someone I actually know has left me a comment so stop sitting around on your elbows and start typing.

And what do you call it?

Pretty much the best variation of The Aristocrats I’ve ever seen…

A fruity conundrum

A random thought for the day – whatever happened to Outspan?  Did it turn out that the small ones were more juicy but less fiscally rewarding?

Shiny toys

My insatiable lust for shiny new gadgets has caused me to buy a few toys that have gone largely unused for a while. One only has to look at my living room shelf and see the Tungsten T5, Orange SPV M3100 and Nokia E61 as proof of that. My current favourite gadget is my Nokia E65 – quite simply, the loveliest phone I’ve used in a considerable amount of time. Today however, I became the proud owner of a shiny new Freedom Input GPS receiver:

It’s a rather nifty Bluetooth GPS receiver that fits on your keyring and charges over USB. I’ve spent the evening mucking about with it connected to the afore mentioned E65 and initial impressions are good. It can take a while for it to make a connection to a GPS satellite, but I’m led to believe that’s not uncommon. If I’m getting really picky I could also say that the on/off switch is a bit stiff, but overall the build quality is excellent.

Another thing I’ve been playing about with tonight for the first time proper is Nokia’s free Maps application:

Seems to be nice and easy to use, although the performance could maybe be improved. An added bonus is the free Maps Loader application that Nokia also provide (Windows only – boo! I have Parallels – yay!), which will save a few pennies since I won’t have to download maps over-the-air. Just as well given my most recent phone bills.

Incidentally, if anyone wants to buy the items listed above currently residing in gadget Purgatory then feel free to make me an offer

OMG!!!1! aLL TEH INTERNETS HAVE CRASHED!

Must’ve been clogging in the tubes.  Thanks to Guy for sending me this one

I am Longcat… Hear me roar

Should that be, “I is Longcat… Hear me rore”? I just did this test to determine which lolcat I am. Turns out that I’m Longcat:

From the website:

Protector of truth.

Slayer of darkness.

Loooooong.

Longcat may seem like just a regular lengthy cat, but he is, in fact, looong. For proof, observe the longpic.

It is prophesized that Longcat and his archnemesis Tacgnol will battle for supremacy on Caturday. The outcome will change the face of the world, and indeed the very fabric of lolcatdom, forever.

Be grateful that the test has chosen you, and only you, to have this title.

How cool is that? Roll on Caturday!

First against the wall when the revolution comes

I’ve just been perusing this article over at Engadget. The premise is nice and simple: if you had your way, how would you change the Wii? There’s been a fair few comments and most of them simply reaffirm my position that people are idiots. I’ll get onto that in a bit.

Before we go any further, let me nail my colours to the mast: I’m a complete Nintendo fanboy geek. I love my Wii, I love my DS Lite and I love Mario in a purely platonic way. That said, Mario Kart on the Gamecube was responsible for the single most upsetting moment in my life as a gamer*. So, given my credentials to provide an objective criticism of other people’s opinions (ok, ok, I’m going to be about as objective as Michael Moore talking about gun control. It’s just that I have more charisma, less fat and a lot less money) here are some of the most common gripes about the Wii on the Engadget piece along with my highly qualified response:

“The Wii should also play DVD’s”

Oh snap! I’d forgotten that it was 1997 and all DVD players cost over £1000! Come on you idiot – who actually needs another DVD player? According to the DVD Entertinment Group (who appear to be some sort of industry body for consumer electronics manufacturers, movie studios and so on), more that 80% of US households were estimated to have at least 1 DVD player by the end of 2005 [clicky]. By the end of 2006 they were estimating that 55% of DVD owners already have more than 1 player [clicky clicky].

“The Wii should do HDTV quality graphics”

Yes, that would be lovely. It would also be a prohibitive factor in allowing the Wii to be sold at such a competitive price, which is a major reason in it’s success to date.

“The Wii should have a wired network socket as well as wireless”

You mean some people don’t have wireless? How the hell do they cope? It’s like going back to dial-up after using broadband for 5 years. Ok I’m being a bit of a dick about that one, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to assume that a decent percentage of people with broadband these days also have wireless.

“The Wii should have rechargeable Wiimotes”

Actually I agree with this one. I bought a Joytech charger pack from Amazon and it’s saved me a small fortune in AA batteries. That said, I do like the fact that it takes standard batteries so you don’t have to buy a brand new remote if the battery dies like you would have to with the PS3 or the XBox 360.

“The Wii should make it easier to connect with your friends online”

I agree with this one as well. The “friend code” solution that Nintendo use for the DS and the Wii feels clumsy and is the single biggest failing of both systems. I can see the board room discussions now:

“How can we protect our younger gamers online?”

“Why don’t we require them to exchange 16-digit numbers with one another before they can connect?”

“Genius! Nobody can remember a 16-digit number. The children are saved!”

The XBox Live Gamertag is by far a more elegant solution, plus it allows you to handle your contacts in one, central place, instead of on a game-by-game basis. Parental controls could still be placed on the ability to add or accept new friends if required.

So there you have it: the Wii isn’t perfect and only a percentage of the people making comments were idiots (~93%?). Sorry if anyone feels the need to shoot themselves after reading through this – I should really start putting some sort of geekometer measurement at the start of my posts.

*Bootnote: Actually I’ve exaggerated that slightly. Mairi was entirely responsible for the single most upsetting moment in my life as a gamer, but Mario Kart was the delivery mechanism. The elation of finding myself in 1st place on the final straight of the final lap on Peach Beach quickly turned sour when, about a second from the finish line, Mairi hit me with a shell and then knocked me sideways so that I was stuck behind the finishing line pole.  She stole 1st place, while I could only manage 7th by the time I’d reversed off the pole and over the line. I actually almost cried because of the shock and trauma I was suffering from. Not to mention the fact that Mairi was cackling with glee next to me for the next 5 minutes. In hindsight, it’s no great surprise that we’re not going out any more

MUST. BUY. TOYS. (and eat brains)

I want I want I want I want:

Selling sanctuary for a nominal fee

My shiny new South Park season 9 box set arrived yesterday and I couldn’t help but notice that there are actually a few episodes from that season that I’ve never seen before (shocking I know). The highest profile among these episodes was undoubtedly “Trapped in the Closet”, which deals with every crazed Hollywood A-lister’s favourite “religion”*, the Cult/Pyramid Scheme/Church of Scientology**. The episode kicked off the controversy which ultimately led to Isaac Hayes quitting the show.

The episode has got me thinking about cults, and Scientology in particular**. I appreciate that some people need to find a meaning to life; an explanation about why things happen. Hell I’ll even admit to being not entirely against religion myself (it’s what several years of Sunday school as a youngster will do to you. Just try and overlook the fact that I should be far too logical to fall for any of it). What I don’t understand is why anyone would estimate that they could find some secret of human existence in a collection of overpriced installments by a science fiction writer who, by all accounts, was a more painful read than one imagines a JK Rowling/Dan Brown mutant would be. In fairness I’ve only got Battlefield Earth to go on but that’s 2 hours of my life I’m never getting back and I’m pissed off about it.

Scientologists: my opinion of you is inversely proportional to your Thetan level.

*Bootnote: Ugh. I feel dirty even typing that, and that’s in spite of the fact I put quotes around it.

**Bootnote 2: This sentence brought to you in association with Don’t Sue People Panda:

Nothing but a tasty flesh bottleneck

The spread of the Zombies application on Facebook over the last few days reminded me of this video made by the Red vs. Blue guys:

(Facebookers click here to view the video in all its embedded-in-my-blog glory)

I think the video raises an awfully good point: everyone should have a zombie plan for when the inevitable happens and we wake up one morning and find ourselves fighting the legions of the undead.

My zombie plan is fairly simple: I’m going to augment my body with robotic limbs that will enable me to take on the brain munching hordes. This plan is actually a natural evolution of my dream of having robotic arms so that I can flip over cars and cause general mayhem. I reckon that if I can attach a flamethrower and a chainsaw to myself, I should be able be able to turn myself into a whirling dervish of zombie destruction. You’re all welcome to join me, but I won’t hesitate to cut any of you to ribbons with my cybernetic blades of zombie justice if you so much as look at my brain.

I suggest that anyone who doesn’t already have a zombie plan gets one immediately. This book is probably the best place to start.

Update (2 July 07): I forgot to say before: I’m going to need a whole bunch of new shirts if I get extra robot arms attached. Any ideas where I might get classy clothes for the 4-armed gent?