There’s not many people I’m scared of more than my sister. Don’t get me wrong, I love her to bits. It’s just that ever since she hit me square in the face at the age of about 3 during a particularly arduous car journey when I was busy fighting with my brother, I’ve always been a bit wary that one day, she’d do it again. The particularly ridiculous thing about this (aside from me being scared of a girl who’s 2 1/2 years younger than me) is that the reason she might want to hit me again is because of postcards.
I’m particularly shocking when it comes to sending cards of any description. I like to buy my friends a beer on their birthday instead of handing them a bit of card that says “I could’ve said this better with beer”. The only time I’ve sent a Christmas card in recent memory is when I’ve had a girlfriend to make me sign and send one. In short, I’m a lazy bastard and I prefer to express my affection for people I like with sharp put downs and witty one-liners. It’s cheaper than a 1st class stamp and postcards never got anyone any chicks.
Anyway, back to postcards. Back in February, I was in Toronto for work and phoned my sister to say happy birthday and to apologise for not visiting her down in Brum yet. At some point during the conversation, I made the schoolboy error of promising to send her a postcard from Canada. As anyone who knows me won’t recongnise, I grasped this challenge with both hands and bought a rather fetching postcard at Niagara Falls featuring not only the falls, but also a Mountie on a horse. The only way it could’ve been more Canadian would be if the Mountie’s head wobbled while the Tragically Hip played from a hidden speaker. Long story short, I wrote my darling sister a charming message detailing that I was making a big effort to send her a postcard from Canada. And then promptly forgot to post it. “No problem” I said to myself, “I’ll do the ironic/lazy thing and send it to her when I get home”. Fast forward 3 months and it’s still sitting on my sideboard at home. “No problem” I said to myself, “I’ll be doubly ironic and take it to Hong Kong with me and post it from there. I’m literally a genius”. Except I then promptly forgot to take it to Hong Kong with me. Now at this stage you’re maybe asking yourself why I didn’t just send her a postcard from Hong Kong featuring, I don’t know, Hong Kong? If I were to mention that I’m writing this as I sit at 35,000 feet somewhere over the Arafura Sea, would it take you long to guess that I’ve still not got around to sending a postcard?
So, Jude, I’m sorry you’ve not got a postcard yet. Frankly, given my crap performance so far, I wouldn’t bet on getting one from New Zealand either.
Please don’t hit my face. I’m too pretty.
Hey Wazz, sounds like you boys have had a great time in Hong Kong. Just wanted to say thanks very much for my postcard. Very nice of you. Doug and Andy like theirs too and wanted me to pass on their thanks. Hope you’re back safely.
Hey Wazz. Glad you made it out of HK in one piece. Do you want me to nip in to your flat, get the postcard, drink all your whisky and then not post the postcard? It wouldn’t be a problem… honest.
i think someone is trying to get you beaten up even more. re the original punch in the face i think i was younger than 3 as mum says i couldn’t speak when i did it, and with regards to future face beatings are you remembering i have been to kickboxing classes since then.
be scared!!!!
by the way i wasnt exactly holding my breath, i am well aware of your crapness with card purchasing/sending, you are forgetting i have been buying/sending them for you for years……