You’re all filthy disgusting perverts and you make me sick

Well, one of you is at least. I was just looking at my blog stats and, among other things, WordPress rather helpfully shows you the list of search engine queries that people used to find the blog. Imagine my surprise when I saw the following list:

That’s right. One of you filthy beggars out there on the internet actually searched for “fisting on second life”. You should be ashamed you dirty pervert. Now go wash your perverted fingers with soap and water. Or better yet, sulphuric acid. That’ll teach you.

Jet Set Wazzy

Yawn. First day back at work in 3 weeks. I wonder how many emails I’ll have to deal with? 300? 73,000,000? Oh awesome, I’ve got around 100 titled “RE: Let Friday Fun Commence”. Looks like a morning on YouTube for me! Hang on, what’s this one? “Your Itinerary – Mr Graham Watts – 29 May”.

Oh.

It appears that I’m going to Norway at 9am tomorrow morning. My legs barely work after all the flying last week and now someone is trying to ensure I get DVT to finish me off. Gits.

Ooh but I have my snazzy silver BMI card now. I wonder if they serve free booze in the airport lounge at 6am? And which lounge is it that I get to use for BMI/SAS flights? Maybe they’d let me skydive into Stavanger? I can practice keeping my mouth shut when I’m falling.  Best remember that I won’t have a German parachute operator with me this time though…

The 2nd stupidest thing I’ve ever done

On Friday, I did what I have officially classified as the 2nd stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my life: a freefall skydive from 15,000 feet in Taupo, New Zealand. It was all Jenny’s idea and I just wanted to look cool – another victory for peer pressure! Incidentally, I really didn’t look cool since I found it incredibly difficult to close my mouth the whole way down, as you can see below. I was naughty and did it with a wee bit of a cold, so I had to try and breathe through my mouth.

(For those of you reading this through Facebook, click on the linky linky here)

So, here’s a commentary by yours truly on what’s happening in the video:

• 0m 43s: That’s not my leg, in case you didn’t figure that bit out.
• 1m 24s: Oh Volker, you krazy Charman, mit deinem sehr lustig Komödie.
• 2m 10s: Wave hello to Amanda and Jenny!
• 2m 16s: Wave hello to Drew and Rich/Fan too!
• 2m 23s: Volker made me pray for comedy effect. As you can see, it worked well.
• 2m 50s: I’m lying.
• 3m 06s: It’s my turn next and I’m crapping myself.
• 3m 09s: I think Volker is about to cut my throat. Maybe it’ll be a quicker death than falling all that way.
• 3m 17s: This is the point where I’ve first realised that I’m not in my natural habitat. Mainly because I don’t usually wear goggles.
• 3m 30s: This is the first example of what Fan called “the invisible cock” in my mouth.
• 4m 56s: “Crikey, that was rather enjoyable”.
• 5m 10s: This was absolutely amazing. It was a beautiful sunny day and the view was unbelievable.
• 5m 44s: Wave hello to Jenny again! I’m glad she’s not dead either.
• 6m 23s: I landed on my ass. It didn’t hurt because the fall had made me invincible.
• 6m 44s: To quote Fan, “that was not bad”.

I’m a little bit disappointed that my vocabulary became so limited during a time of such euphoria, although to be fair I’m not much better during the vinegar strokes.

Oh and for the record, the stupidest thing I’ve ever done was take 13 ProPlus in about 8 seconds in Potterow in 1st year of uni. I didn’t sleep for about 3 days. Bad times.

Update (23 May 07): Dunc reckons that I look like I have Balboa mouth. ADRIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

Getting my ass kicked by a girl

There’s not many people I’m scared of more than my sister. Don’t get me wrong, I love her to bits. It’s just that ever since she hit me square in the face at the age of about 3 during a particularly arduous car journey when I was busy fighting with my brother, I’ve always been a bit wary that one day, she’d do it again. The particularly ridiculous thing about this (aside from me being scared of a girl who’s 2 1/2 years younger than me) is that the reason she might want to hit me again is because of postcards.

I’m particularly shocking when it comes to sending cards of any description. I like to buy my friends a beer on their birthday instead of handing them a bit of card that says “I could’ve said this better with beer”. The only time I’ve sent a Christmas card in recent memory is when I’ve had a girlfriend to make me sign and send one. In short, I’m a lazy bastard and I prefer to express my affection for people I like with sharp put downs and witty one-liners. It’s cheaper than a 1st class stamp and postcards never got anyone any chicks.

Anyway, back to postcards. Back in February, I was in Toronto for work and phoned my sister to say happy birthday and to apologise for not visiting her down in Brum yet. At some point during the conversation, I made the schoolboy error of promising to send her a postcard from Canada. As anyone who knows me won’t recongnise, I grasped this challenge with both hands and bought a rather fetching postcard at Niagara Falls featuring not only the falls, but also a Mountie on a horse. The only way it could’ve been more Canadian would be if the Mountie’s head wobbled while the Tragically Hip played from a hidden speaker. Long story short, I wrote my darling sister a charming message detailing that I was making a big effort to send her a postcard from Canada. And then promptly forgot to post it. “No problem” I said to myself, “I’ll do the ironic/lazy thing and send it to her when I get home”. Fast forward 3 months and it’s still sitting on my sideboard at home. “No problem” I said to myself, “I’ll be doubly ironic and take it to Hong Kong with me and post it from there. I’m literally a genius”. Except I then promptly forgot to take it to Hong Kong with me. Now at this stage you’re maybe asking yourself why I didn’t just send her a postcard from Hong Kong featuring, I don’t know, Hong Kong? If I were to mention that I’m writing this as I sit at 35,000 feet somewhere over the Arafura Sea, would it take you long to guess that I’ve still not got around to sending a postcard?

So, Jude, I’m sorry you’ve not got a postcard yet. Frankly, given my crap performance so far, I wouldn’t bet on getting one from New Zealand either.

Please don’t hit my face. I’m too pretty.

It Came From The Sea!

It warms the cockles of my heart that I get to post another entry under the Mutant Animals category. John and I shared the gargantuan lobster below at a restaurant on the island of Lamma the other night. We even got to pick him from the tank and give him the last rites.

He was pretty tasty, although we opted not to eat his brain on the grounds that we didn’t really need to acquire his intelligence. That and the fact it looked like a runny poo.

Hooked On Monkey Phonics

“Graham, your word is ‘cockblocking’.”

“Um… definition?”

“The art of undoing the groundwork another male has achieved with a female of the species, resulting in the male snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.”

“Can you use it in a sentence please?”

“Last night, Guy cockblocked you with such incredible force that one could only stand back in astonishment at his ability and then laugh the following day when karma took her sweet retribution out on him by giving him the worst hangover he’s ever achieved.”

“Wow, that’s a really topical example, thanks. OK Phonics Monkey, start drumming.”

An Update From HKHQ

I’ve got a few updates to post, but I’m going to put them in individual entries. I’ve put a few of my photos up on my Flickr stream now, so have a look if you want to see us in varying stages of inebriation

Also, sorry to everyone I’ve phoned pissed out my head over the past couple of days. If it’s any consolation, I’ll probably have a heart attack when I get the bill.

A collection of random events

It’s kind of hard to explain just how random our first night in Hong Kong was. Instead, I’m just going list some of the things that helped make the night what it was. In no particular order:

• We went to the races at Happy Valley and won some money on the horses.
• We drank lots and lots and lots of beer. This is an important point to note.
• I accidentally snogged a Thai hooker. She never asked for money though so she was maybe just friendly instead of a professional sex worker.
• Stuart got chatted up by a girl who looked suspiciously like a fat girl I was at primary school with.
• Pest got told off by a barman for getting a bit too intimate with a girl in the middle of the bar.
• Guy got cockblocked by me by mistake when I was escaping the Thai hooker.
• John came all the way to Hong Kong to get jiggy with an Irish girl.

All in all, a good start to the holiday.

MPUHKTF07: T-0 days!

For those of you who have been following the slightly cryptic countdown in my MSN status message, today marks a very special day indeed. 4.10pm this afternoon marks the official beginning of MPUHKTF07 or, to give it its full name, “MPUHKTF07: North East goes Far East, Aberdeen to Aberdeen”. I will be jetting off to Hong Kong with the boys for a week of fun on the MPU party boat. All going well, we should have bikini clad girls serving us cocktails. All going badly, we’ll have John in a bikini serving us Jaeger Bombs.

After that, I’m off to New Zealand to catch up with friends from uni, getting back to the ‘deen on the 25th. Fear not though dear reader: I will be attempting to upload some of my photos to Flickr as I go and post a few updates about whether or not we manage to trick John into sleeping with a transexual hooker.

Right, I’d better get back to the packing…

Time to Dig Out the Speedos?

As I sit and write this in my bed this morning, I’m still getting used to the idea that maybe, just maybe, Aberdeen will be playing in the UEFA cup next season.  Nick and I went down to Tynecastle yesterday to watch the Dons take on Hearts and it was a top day out, with Aberdeen dominating the game but needing an 89th minute goal to make it 1-1, leaving us 4 points ahead of Hearts with 2 games to play.  Some general thoughts on the game:

• The atmosphere at Tynecastle is superb.  The stands are really close to the pitch and the noise generated is impressive, to say the least.  Far better than what you get at Pittodrie apart from a Rangers game.
• Aberdeen thoroughly deserved their point, turning in a very impressive display.
• The referee was a twat.  Granted, Barry Nicholson deserved a second yellow for taking his shirt off during his goal celebration, but Chris Clark’s booking during the celebration was a farce.  Given that he couldn’t actually get back to the centre circle because he’d been mobbed by Dons fans jumping onto the pitch and couldn’t get away I thought it was pretty harsh.  Having said that, it was the linesman who advised the ref to book him, so it’s really the linesman who’s a twat.  Twat.
• There are some complete chumps in the Aberdeen support who decided it was a good idea to start chucking coins when Hearts got their first corner down by where we were sitting.  Save your pennies for the European away games you cockbags.

It was also my last game of the season before I go on holiday, so a good send off in my opinion!