Wii Fit?

The main cause of me having a Wii Fit age of 42:

I’m a gullible idiot

I’m an idiot.  I’m ashamed to admit that I fell for the BBC’s April Fools joke and got really excited at the prospect of flying penguins.  Having watched the full clip on iPlayer it makes me look like a complete twat, but in my (somewhat meagre) defence I only saw a little snippet of the clip on BBC One this morning.  If they’d shown Terry Jones in there too my suspicions would’ve been raised a lot sooner.  That and if I’d remembered it was April 1st today.  Sigh.  Roll on lunch time.

Happy Easter!

Oliver Kahn, Weißbier und Krazy Recycling Frau

Ja! I’m back from Munich! It was supercool and I was having many beers.

These things were wunderbar:

• The city itself is fantastic. Very easy to get around, friendly locals, plentiful beer. 5000 Dandies can’t be wrong.
• The atmosphere before, during and after the game was brilliant. Everyone was singing, jumping around and generally just having a great time in Marienplatz. The police were friendly and everyone got along famously. Huzzah!
• The Allianz Arena is cool as fuck. Let me repeat that for you in case you were speed reading: cool as fuck. Everything you’d want in a modern stadium.

These things were scheisse:

• The scoreline. Not that I or anyone else there really cared that it was 5-1 by the end, but it just showed the difference in class between Aberdeen and Bayern. Which just further emphasizes how well the Dons played in the first leg.
• Heathrow. Just as well we got the red eye down because it meant we avoided a lot of the chaos that affected others. That said, we were still delayed in getting to Munich by about 5 hours.

A very special mention must go to Krazy Recycling Frau (may or may not be her real name):

KRF was a lovely woman who spent about 45 minutes chatting away to us in Marienplatz before the game despite speaking absolutely no English whatsoever. Every time someone would walk up to the bin to put a bottle in it, KRF was straight in there grabbing the bottle out of their hand and stuffing it into a plastic bag. She was also loving all the cuddles she was getting from the traveling support (“I’m 65! He could be my grandson! But he is very nice!”). KRF, I salute you. I just don’t have the slightest clue how you managed to carry all 8 bags of empty bottles home with you.

Master Chief and the BMX Arbiter

It had started off like most Sunday evenings: dozing on the sofa, completely jet-lagged, watching the most comically inept display of defending in a football match I’ve seen for a long time. No, not Aberdeen; Cameroon in the African Cup of Nations final. Fortunately my Setanta was playing up so I couldn’t actually see the Dons getting bent over a table and violated by Celtic.

Earlier on, I’d hooked up Scott’s Xbox 360 and had a play around on Halo 3 in 720p/5.1 surround loveliness. Very sexy. Scott turned up back at the flat with a new Xbox controller for me to use and we sat down for an evening of Halo and banana beer. It was at this point it dawned on me: I need a new TV. Badly. Don’t get me wrong, I really like my TV. It’s a slick wee 23″ LCD that can happily handle HD up to 1080i. It looks a good size in my relatively small living room. But when you’re trying to exterminate a Flood infestation with a flame thrower on split screen, it’s disturbingly small.

Also, I can’t help but feel that co-op mode’s 2 main protagonists are somewhat reminiscent of a Mitchell and Webb sketch (the title for the post was what I had in mind). It’s all “oh thank God you’re here, Master Chief!” and “go get ‘em Chief” and nobody even acknowledges the Arbiter, even when it was him who took out the big fuck off enemy ship that was raining explosive death down on the marines. Maybe if they spent a bit more time trying to take out the enemy instead of sucking off Master Chief they wouldn’t be in the predicament they found themselves in. Fucking twats. And yes, I was playing as the Arbiter

Steak! It’s a steak! Wooooaaaaooooh it’s a steak!

Served with onions, tatties, garlic green beans, onions, tatties, garlic green beans, onions, tatties, garlic green beans, MUSHROOMS, MUSHROOMS!

Ahem. Sorry for the terrible parody. Went to Mortons for dinner last night. Excellent steak, a very cute waitress and far too many mojitos. Suck my balls jet lag!

Selling ice to eskimoes

I bought In Rainbows on CD at the weekend despite having paid £3 to download it when it came out.  So I’ve now paid £13 to get the same album twice.  Am I officially an idiot?

“Nay. We are but men.”

Hmmm. I hadn’t posted in a wee while so I figured I should put an update on here rather than consign the blog to damnation. A quick list of things that have happened since I last posted:

• I now own Guitar Hero 3 for the Wii.
• I’m back from Edmonton, and just in time. The temperature has got down as low as -stupid since I left.
• I’m now on holiday for 3 weeks! Suck it, working losers!
• I kick ass at Guitar Hero 3. On “Easy” difficulty anyway.
• Mairi has started blogging again (yay!). I like it when Mairi blogs because she can write all proper and stuff unlike myself. I pretty much mistake verbosity for quality.
• I’m hopelessly addicted to Guitar Hero 3. Did I mention that I got Guitar Hero 3?

The extent of my addiction, let me show you it:

We are “Booth and Cry” and we’re here to rock your motherfuckin’ socks off.

How do you solve a problem like Laika?

Last night, I found myself watching Enterprise before going to bed and as a result, I’ve had a bit of a random conundrum going through my head today. In case the title of this post is a bit too esoteric for you, it’s related to dogs in space. Captain Sam-from-Quantum-Leap has a rather cute beagle called Porthos:

Awww. So far, so cute. What I’ve been wondering though, is where the dog goes when he needs to, ahem, expel waste product from his furry little body. From what I’ve observed, the Enterprise seems to be mostly carpeted; the mess and the smell would get pretty unbearable after a while. Even if, as a friend has suggested to me, the Captain simply sets his phaser to disintegrate and vaporises the dog’s deposits, it’s still going to leave holes all over the carpets and an overwhelming smell of burnt faeces. I’ve certainly never heard of anyone in Star Trek uttering the phrase “set phasers to Febreze”.

It’s this sort of thing that makes me think that some sci-fi is just totally unrealistic.

The day I was almost violated by a rampant sexbot

I had one of the more eye opening experiences of my tender 27 years yesterday. At the behest of one of my friends over here in Edmonton, I accompanied her (under extreme duress ) to the Taboo Sex Show for the afternoon. We were sat on the LRT on the way out to the convention centre and she said to me, “I’ve never really been to anything like this before, so I’m not quite sure what to expect”. At least I was losing my sex convention virginity to someone who was equally as intrigued and worried about what lay ahead. I felt kind of like a teenager again except my hair is a lot better now*.

So we arrived at the convention centre having spent most of the journey trying to work out if the other people on the train look like seasoned sex show goers or not. Judging by the huge variation in people inside, it was a pretty difficult task to spot them. We got inside and got given our bag for carrying our freebies home in. The sum total of my haul was more condoms and lube than I could possibly hope to use even if I got laid twice a day between now and March. Going on past form, this is unlikely to happen.

The goods on offer ranged from the fairly standard (the usual array of toys, lingerie etc.) to iPod controlled vibrators, to repulsive fat men selling all manner of latex, to candles that melted into (surprisingly tasty) edible massage oil, to the random black guy selling African hot sauce. And that’s not even a euphamism. However, there are a few high/lowlights that will be forever seared into my brain:

• I saw a woman dressed in full leather gimp costume chained to a table while a man dragged nails across her chest. That was my first big “ok WTF?!?!” moment of the afternoon. The woman appeared to be enjoying it, but I really want to know how people find out that that’s the sort of thing they’re into. “Darling, would you like to mix things up a bit by tying me upside-down to a medieval torture device and flagellating my behind?”
• Pulsating massage gloves are awesome. My companion and I were both sent weak at the knees when we had these demonstrated on the backs of our necks. I spent some time pondering if my new-found superpowers would enhance the experience for any ladies I used the gloves on. Then I decided that any ladies who saw me wearing the gloves might scream and run away.
• The robot sex toaster is the stuff of nightmares. It looked like a regular toaster. Or maybe one of those little black droids that went whizzing around the Death Star that Chewbacca growled at. Except instead of providing toast as its end product, it was simply the delivery mechanism for some kind of throbbing robocock. I’m sure that 99.9% of them are regular, well behaved sexbots, but mark my words – when the robots rise up and send us all to GuantanRobo Bay, these guys are going to be the interrogators we face…

* Even though I’m really quite bald these days, anyone who went to school with me can attest to the fact that my hair was fucking awful.